Books read in 2021 – 36. Mysterious Skin by Scott Heim.

Genre: LGBT, Abuse

Narrative Style: First person from a number of different points of view. Chronological

Published: 1995

Rating: 5/5

Format: paperback.

Synopsis: At eight years old, Brian Lackey is found bleeding under the crawl space in his house with no memory of the last few hours. His last memory is playing baseball. The next evening, he sees what he believes to be a UFO. Over the years, he loses more time and he becomes convinced that he has been abducted by aliens, more than once. Neil McCormick is on Brian’s baseball team and he knows exactly what happened to Brian and it has nothing to do with aliens. Brian realises that Neil is the only one who can help him fill those missing hours so he tracks him down.

Time on shelf: I bought this a couple of years ago but I’ve been aware of it for about six or seven years.

This is not a book for the faint hearted. From the very first, it is apparent that something terrible has happened to Brian Lackey and, although he cannot remember it, it has something to do with his little league baseball team and the coach of the team. We know this from Neil’s parallel narrative in which he describes his encounters with his coach. Neil couldn’t be more different from Brian. He is very aware of himself and his sexuality and he relishes the attention that he gets from his coach as he gets little love and attention at home. This is not easy to read even though Neil claims that it has not harmed him and, in fact, he loved his coach and believed that the man loved him.

The narrative moves to later in the lives of both boys – along with narratives from their friends and family. Neil is now a hustler, still very much occupied by sex. Brian is obsessed with UFOs and aliens and eventually meets someone who claims to have been abducted by aliens. He measures her experience against his own and starts to believe this is what happened to him. It is heartbreaking to see the paths both their lives have taken. Although Neil still claims to be happy and to be doing what he wants, it is clear that he has been damaged by his early experiences. Brian seems even more tragic, unable to even acknowledge what has happened to him. The alien story occupies him because he knows something terrible happened and this story means that he doesn’t have to examine the truth.

Heim deftly handles all the different perspectives and the story moves at quite a pace. It is compelling – I found myself both wanting and not wanting Brian to discover the truth. Obviously, he couldn’t carry on believing he was abducted by aliens but inevitably, when he did work it out, he would be destroyed by the knowledge and that was going to be hard to cope with.

Brian finds a photo of the little league team and realises there is some special memory attached to the image of Neil. At first, he believes that they must have been abducted together. But as his search brings him closer to Neil, he realises that the image of his coach also has a horrible effect on him. He is close to his own realisation when Neil takes him back to the house where it happened and we get a full description of what happened to both boys.

The ending was particularly difficult to read especially as Heim offers no resolution. The novel ends with Neil and Brian sat together, holding hands, as the family that now own the house come home. There is no knowing what effect the revelations will have on both their lives. It is a moment that could go in a number of different ways. It could be good – both of them perhaps can move forward – or it could be bad – maybe they will be drowned by it. It is for the reader to decide and I chose to look on the brightside.

This was a difficult read. As you might expect given the subject matter. I hesitate to say I enjoyed it because I’m not sure enjoyment is the right word. It was compelling and heartbreaking. I couldn’t put it down.

Books Read in 2021 5. Take Nothing With You – Patrick Gale (Contains Spoilers)

Genre: LGBT, Bildungsroman, romance

Narrative Style: Third Person, Moves from present day to childhood

Rating: 5/5

Published: 2018

Format: Paperback

Synopsis: Fifty something Eustace is facing a number of potential changes to his life. He is beginning a new romance and has just discovered he has to have treatment for cancer. Time in hospital gives him time to think about the past and his childhood in particular.

Time on shelf: I bought this at the same time as The Testaments with birthday vouchers in November. I’ve read four other of Gale’s novels and loved them all particularly A Place Called Winter. This was never going to sit on the shelf for long.

This was an absolute joy to read. Gale’s style flows beautifully and the characters, right down to the smallest, are well rounded and convincing. The plot trots along at a nice pace and I couldn’t put it down. In fact, I could have carried on.

The novel starts with Eustace in his fifties and just beginning a new romance albeit online rather than in real life. The exchanges between Eustace and Theo, a younger man in the army are tender and sweet. Eustace is cautious having recently had been involved in a difficult relationship but he starts to let his defences down. Then he discovers that he has cancer and he has to go into hospital to be treated with a large dose of radiotherapy. In fact, he has to stay in a lead lined room while it destroys his tumour. This gives Eustace the chance to think back over his childhood and past relationships.

Eustace is a bit of an odd child who doesn’t really fit in at home – where his parents run an old people’s home – or at school where he stands apart from the noise and chaos of the other boys. As he grows, he starts to understand some of the things that make him different – his developing knowledge of his sexuality and also his love of music.

The descriptions of Eustace learning to play the cello are a particular joy. Gale clearly has a real love for music and for playing an instrument. His cello teacher, Carla Gold, is unconventional and opens Eustace’s eyes to a whole new way of living. Especially when he starts to visit her at her flat in Bristol which she shares with a gay couple. He comments that he isn’t just getting cello lessons but also lessons in being gay as well.

Carla not only changes Eustace’s life but also that of his mother. Eustace watches her come out of her shell when she starts to go out for lunch and spend more time with Carla. Eustace never really understands the exact nature of this relationship and it is never made explicit but it is clear that his mother has fallen in love with Carla.

I felt a bit sorry for Eustace’s mother. His father is old-fashioned and they are ill-matched. When Carla appears, she falls head over heels for her. However, she is not allowed any real joy as when she and Carla run away together, their car crashes and his mother ends up in a coma. When she comes round, she has had a religious experience and she slowly transforms into the villain of the piece.

All this is seen through Eustace’s eyes and as he doesn’t completely understand what has happened, the reader has to piece it together. At the same time, we also see his first experiences with other boys, something else he doesn’t always fully understand. Gale moves easily between comedy and sadness. His descriptions of Eustace’s experiences are heartfelt and authentic.

Eustace’s childhood builds to a dramatic conclusion and then we move back to the present day and his return home, ready for his new romance and the first real life meeting with Theo. I could have happily read more about this relationship but it was a good place to stop, on such a hopeful note. Any further and we’d be into the reality of whether the cancer treatment has worked and whether or not his relationship will actually work. Instead, we are left with the pair of them desperate to go to bed but unable because Eustace is still radioactive. A lovely ending to a lovely book.

2020 Alphabet Soup Author Edition – Faggots – Larry Kramer

Genre: LGBT,  Modern Classic

Narrative Style: Third person from multiple points of view

Rating: 4/5

Published: 1978

Format: Paperback

Synopsis: Fred Lemish is about to be forty. He is growing tired of the constant round of parties, clubs, dancing and fucking that occupies his life when he is not working. He is in love with Dinky Adams – as is most of New York, it transpires – and is desperate for his return so that he can cement their relationship. The novel describes the gay scene in New York and on Fire Island with no holds barred. 

Reading Challenges: 2020 Alphabet Soup – Author Edition.

On the front of my copy of Faggots by Larry Kramer, it proclaims that the book will be “disturbing, enlightening, compassionate, explicit, uninhibited, outrageous…” It then goes not to say that no one can be neutral about it. I admit, I thought this sounded a bit over the top. However, as I read I realised all these things were true. Especially that last bit. Faggots, it seems, is a book you either love or you hate.

The novel captures a moment in gay history when sodomy laws in the USA had been revoked in a lot of states and gay men were tasting more freedom than previous generations but before AIDS devastated the gay community. Sex is everywhere, male bodies are on display and I lost count of the different types of drugs that were mentioned. It describes unbridled hedonism. There is a lot of sex in this novel. Some of it is very funny and some of it is very kinky. Certainly, it is easy to appreciate the sense of freedom  – what else was there to do but have sex. There was no need to settle down or have a relationship. Why do that, when there are all these beautiful bodies?

Fred Lemish wants more. He is in love with Dinky Adams. At the beginning of the novel, he is out of town and Fred is waiting for his return as he hopes it will be the start of a proper relationship. However, the reader soon realises that Dinky is much in demand- every other character seems to be also waiting for his return. We quickly realise Fred is heading for a fall. Fred is definitely ready to settle down. He wants more than just sex and bodies. In some ways, he is like Gatsby – in love with love as much as the completely inappropriate object of his affections. Dinky does not want to settle down and Fred is left alone again at the end.

The novel this most reminds me of is Andrew Holleran’s Dancer from the Dance – another novel from 1978 with Gatsby overtones. Both novels critique the narrowness of the perceptions of what gay life could be within this scene. They also both show the interchangeability of bodies and the hollowness of relating only to the physical. Winnie Heinz – also known as The Winston Man, model for Winston Cigarettes takes a fall from a parapet while in a drug addled state and dies when he hits the dancefloor; his place is quickly taken by a younger, fitter version.

It may be for this reason that Kramer has so many characters in this novel. There are dozens and dozens of men, some given little more than a paragraph, some mentioned but not fleshed out and some returned to again and again. It was difficult to keep track of who was who, who’d had who and what everyone’s particular fetish was. Even Fred has trouble keeping track of who he has slept with. Even when he has noted that a man was hot and he would like to see them again, he can’t remember his name. He had spent a year with “a faceless group of sex objects.”

It is this endless list of characters and the overly convoluted state of Kramer’s sentences that stopped this from getting 5 out of 5. Nevertheless, an enjoyable, completely uninhibited read. Not for the faint hearted.

 

2020 Alphabet Soup Author Challenge – The Line of Beauty – Alan Hollinghurst.

Genre: LGBT, Historical Fiction

Narrative Style: Third person from the point of view of one character

Rating: 3.5/5

Published: 2004

Format: Hardback

Synopsis: Nick Guest has just finished university and is lodging in the attic room of his friend, Toby Fedden’s family. Nick is in love with Toby but it is unrequited and likely to stay that way. Nick embarks on a love affair with a young black man, Leo. The novel is set in the eighties and describes the highs and lows of that decade through Nick’s various relationships. 

Reading Challenges: 2020 Alphabet Soup Author Challenge. 

I had mixed feelings about this book. In fact, I knew I probably would, having read Hollinghurt before. It was beautifully written. There is no doubt that Hollinghurst can turn a phrase or that he loves language but I felt it was an empty beauty. For a long time, nothing seemed to happen and Nick wasn’t really interesting enough to hang the entire narrative on his thoughts and feelings.

The other problem for me is that posh people are not that exciting. And Hollinghurst describes the luxuries of the age in great detail. Everybody is connected to somebody important, if they are not important themselves. There is a lot of description of antiques. There is a grotesqueness to all the money being lavished around and some of the characters do seem satirical e.g. Sir Maurice Tipper  and Badger. They were very cleverly written but as a result fo the satirical intent seemed more like stereotypes.

Nick doesn’t really fit in the circles his attachment to the Feddens allow him to move in. He isn’t poor, by any stretch but he isn’t super rich either. In this respect, his observations are helpful to the reader, sometimes cynical, sometimes awestruck, he is always an outsider. He is portrayed as somewhat innocent even later on in the novel when he is procuring cocaine for his Lebanese millionaire lover. When everything comes crashing down around his head due to a particularly vicious tabloid story, he is thrown out of the Fedden’s home. He has naively believed that the family cared for him when their feelings for him were based on a version of himself that was not real. It was easy to feel  sorry for him and to see the pain that such secrets cause.

There is also no denying that this is a clever novel. So much is hinted at or omitted from the narrative. Nick meets the parents of both his lovers although not as a lover but as a friend and Hollinghurst describes the agony of this successfully. At the end of the novel, we are left with Nick wondering  what the results of his latest HIV test will be. He imagines the world carrying on without him in an incredibly poignant piece of writing Unfortunately, for me, these sorts of moments were few and far between.

Overall, I’m glad I read it and I enjoyed it more than The Folding Star. The prose was beautiful and it was clever and funny but ultimately fell short of the mark. It seemed like a triumph of style over substance. I understand that the many things that are unsaid are a metaphor for the secret keeping Nick has to perform on a daily basis but it made for an unsatisfying read.

 

 

Books Read in 2015 35. Death of a Pirate King – Josh Radnor (Contains spoilers)

Genre: LGBT, Detective

Narrative Style: First person, chronologicalUnknown-1

Rating: 4/5

Published: 2008

Format: Kindle

Synopsis: Now that Jake has married and Adrien feels he can no longer keep seeing him, he has tried to put their relationship behind him and even has a new boyfriend, Guy. However, when there is a murder at a Hollywood party that Adrien is attending, their paths cross again as Adrien is once again a suspect in a murder.

In some ways, there isn’t a lot I can say about this book that I haven’t said in previous reviews. That is not a bad things. All the things that make this series enjoyable are there – Adrien poking his nose in where he shouldn’t, the sexual tension between Jake and himself, the relationship between Adrien and his family. All these factors make these books so much more than mere detective fiction.

There were a couple of niggles. I actually felt quite sorry for Jake – Adrien was incredibly mean to him – so I felt anyway. Perhaps I was just impatient for them to finally get it together. And it was worth it when at the end Jake decides to leave the force and come out of the closet. (Although it did seem a bit too fairy tale to really be true.)

Also, I was never really convinced by the killer, Paul Kane. He was too much the charicature of a Hollywood actor. And it didn’t really make sense that he and Jake would be so close although it did provide added tension in Jake’s relationship with Adrien.

That said, I still found this hard to put down and the ending was suitably satisfying. I’m a bit sad that I am almost at the end of this series but I can see how with Jake out of the closet, there may not be much further to take the series.

Books Read in 2015 34. The Well of Loneliness – Radcliffe Hall

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Genre: GLBT, Classics

Narrative Style: Third person

Rating: 3/5

Published: 1928

Format: Paperback

Synopsis: When Stephen Gordon was born, her father had really wanted a boy and so stuck with the masculine name. It soon becomes apparent that Stephen is not the same as other girls. She wants to be a boy, hates dresses and refuses to ride side 8f3ce012b7cbcd5217e89aaff6520959saddle. Soon she develops her first crush on a housemaid. The novel follows her through her growing realisation that she is a lesbian and into her tragic attempts at  a relationship. 

Reading Challenges: TBR Challenge

Time on Shelf: About twenty years. I certainly bought this while at university although I’m not sure exactly when. I was put off by the picture of two very severe looking woman on the front which seemed to suggest that the book might be quite dry and severe. 

It took me over a month to read this book. In fact, towards the end I really didn’t want to pick it up. It was only the thought that it was nearly over that spurred me on. There were a number of reasons why I found this hard going.

First of all, the writing is incredibly melodramatic. Stephen is a martyr to her desires and Hall frequently makes reference to the terrible lot of the invert. Of course, at the time this was written, that attitude made perfect sense but now it is a little bit hard to stomach.

This is particularly true at the end of the novel when Stephen heroically sacrifices her own feelings so that her lover, Mary, can be happy in the arms of a man who can give her ‘normal’ things like marriage and children. Once I realised that this would be the end, I felt incredibly annoyed that Hall refused the possibility of a happy ending for Stephen. I really didn’t want that to be the ending. Again, I think that it is an understandable impulse at the time that Hall was writing but it really did annoy me.

I found it hard to like Stephen and therefore to have sympathy for her. She seems determined that things will be as bad for her as possible. Some of the other characters in the novel are better drawn, I think, especially in the Paris section of the novel where Stephen is temporarily happy.

Hall has the annoying habit of bestowing the animals in the novel with human thoughts. Stephen is very close to her horse, Ratfery and although he obviously can’t communicate  with Stephen, Hall notes the thoughts that he has, suggesting complete understanding of Stephen’s moods. I found this intensely irritating.

Having said all that, it is easy to see why this is such an important book. It must have felt like a godsend to women reading it at the time of its publication. If it seems old fashioned in its ideas, that only shows how far we have come. The sections during the first world war and in Paris afterwards are very evocative of time and place and this was the part of the novel I enjoyed the most.

 

Books read in 2014 – 8. Fatal Shadows – Josh Lanyon

Genre: Detective, LGBT, Romantic Suspense

Narrative Style: First person narrative, Straightforward chronological timeline1274861

Rating 4/5

Format: Kindle

Published: 2000

Synopsis: Someone is out to get Adrien English. First, his closest friend and employee, Robert, is murdered and then someone ransacks his shop. Even worse, the police seem to think that he murdered Robert. And everything he tries to do to help ends up making him look even more guilty.  

I love a well-written detective story. After the annoyance of reading Post Mortem by Patricia Cornwell, I wanted to read an author that I knew could deliver the goods so I decided to read the first of the Adrien English series. I wasn’t disappointed.

There are a number of things that bring me back to reading Lanyon’s work, first and foremost being the plot lines are always suspenceful with twists and turns that don’t seem forced. In short, he keeps you turning the pages. As with the main character in Come Unto These Yellow Sands, Adrien is very good at getting himself into awkward situations which adds an extra dimension to the suspense.

The character of Adrien was convincing and I took to him straight away. Lanyon shows the homophobia that he faces without making him seem like a victim and while he has some of the stereotypical traits of a gay man, he never seems like a type but like a real person. His first person narrative is full of humour and ironic asides which made the reader warm to him.

To me, it was obvious from the start that Detective Riordan was gay but closeted but it may be that this was deliberate as it allowed the reader knowledge that Adrien did not have. It was soon apparent that Riordan had a crush on Adrien and was on his side, sharing knowledge with him and eventually saving his life. But as I said, it was not at all obvious to Adrien who was too busy fearing for his life to notice.

I was sorely tempted to go straight on and read the next book in the series but I’ve decided to save it for the next time I feel I need the knowledge that the book I am about to open will be really pleasing.

 

 

 

Chrys Fey’s 30 day Writing Challenge – Start a story with Once Upon a Time

First off, before the story, an apology. As ever, life is hectic and when I posted that I was starting this challenge I really thought I’d be able to do it the next day. Due to circumstances beyond my control, it has taken over a week to get this to you. This is the first challenge of Chrys Fey’s 30 day writing challenge. Hopefully the next one will be quicker but on her website it does say that you don’t have to do one every day which, given my busy life, is just as well.

Start a story with Once Upon A Time. 

Once upon a time….

There was a princess called Lucinda that lived in a big castle. I know, that’s not unusual for princesses but she really didn’t like living there. It was dull and cold and too big. Sometimes she thought her entire family could leave and she wouldn’t even know. The worst thing about that was the fact that it wouldn’t surprise her if they did go. And it was likely they would leave her behind.

The castle had big towers that filled the princess with foreboding although she wasn’t sure why. She just knew that when she was on her way to princess school and she looked back; she shuddered involuntarily when she saw them. There was one at each corner, tall and proud with only the one window at the very top. She didn’t like them any better when she drove back from school and they seemed to stare down at her, one cold dark eye each. It made her skin cold all over.

The school wasn’t much better. It was grey and imposing with the same stark towers on the corners. Perhaps, she mused, they would be frightened into behaving as they were supposed to. It was true that no one seemed to step out of line so maybe it worked. They all trooped into the classroom and sat at their desks and learned the many things that princesses needed to now. Like how to be radiant. Or how to talk down to your subjects. The princess wanted to ask about the towers. Questions like why are they so tall. Questions like what happened at the top with the one eyelike window. Once you got in, she reasoned, you would not get out. But she didn’t ask. It was unspoken that the towers suggested punishment. And they were all good girls really. Even Princess Lucinda.

It was hard enough for Lucinda. She knew she didn’t really fit in. The other princesses were pink. They were flouncy. Lacy. Well, so was she. That was the uniform. But she didn’t like it. The dresses got in her way and when she sat down; they could always see her underclothes no matter how careful she was. She had failed that this year. Ladylike posture. It just didn’t come naturally. She looked on with envy as the others stuck their little fingers out when they picked up their cups and when they moved slowly and elegantly across the room in their sharp healed pointy shoes.  

Their hair was bouncy. Her hair refused to do that. She had asked to have it cut short but they would not let her. Instead, it tangled itself into knots or unravelled from however it was supposed to be. And she couldn’t stay clean. The other princesses sat and waited for things to be brought to them, for things to happen. She wanted to go and find things. Although most of the time, the only things that she found were dirt and the corners of tables that were intent on ripping skirts and tearing lace.

There was a lot at stake of course. If they didn’t pass all levels of princessing, then they’d never get a prince and go on to have lots of other little princes and princesses. The thought of marrying a prince filled Lucinda with nearly as much horror as the thought of the tower. What a choice! She supposed it would be different with real babies but when they had to practise with the dolls, well, she genuinely couldn’t see the point. All the others cooing and exclaiming and dressing the dolls up. She wasn’t sure what it was but there had to be something better than this.

So that is what they were doing, they were still waiting. For their prince to come. Lucinda sniggered but they were far too delicate to think such vulgar thoughts. They knew that you had to be to snag a prince and sniggering didn’t really figure. Probably, Lucinda reflected, it gave you wrinkles and that was tragedy beyond measure. They spent long hours shaping their nails and curling or straightening their hair depending on what the fashionistas said. Then there was the rubbing on of creams. She looked at them and thought how they all looked the same.

They all had that careful voice, as well, not too loud, not too quiet. The exact right tone. She couldn’t manage that either. Too loud. When she laughed, not only did it come out in guffaws but also her whole body joined in. They tittered carefully behind their hands when that happened although she had no doubt that nasty little thoughts existed behind those careful eyes. She almost hoped they did. At least that would make them interesting.

The princes were equally boring. All vying for position. All carefully styled, of course. Perfectly clothed. That was the problem. Nothing wrong with them. She was fed up with feeling less than perfect. They talked about themselves constantly. The whine of them contrasted horribly with the giggling from the princesses. They were all handsome and that struck Lucinda as odd. Surely they couldn’t all be. What happened if a less than perfect baby was born? Were they sent to some lesser family where it mattered less if you were beautiful? Another question she would never ask.

It was not like Lucinda to be early. Things eluded her. The things needed for school that day, for example. So often, they’d have to turn back and get a servant to run and find some book or other or some homework she had forgotten. Sometimes she’d realise that she had odd shoes on. This morning had run smoothly. She was the first one into their classroom. Or so she thought

She was trying to decide what to do with this small piece of freedom when she heard a noise from the cupboard at the back of the classroom. She knew what she was supposed to do. Scream and then run. Alert the nearest male. Lucinda had no intention of behaving in such a princessy way. How very tedious. She wasn’t frightened, she was intrigued. With a delicacy that usually eluded her, she moved quietly towards the cupboard. The noises – rustles and swishes – made her think of a small animal. No threat.

She paused briefly to make sure she was ready and then she yanked the door open. She couldn’t believe her eyes. One of the princes. In there, among their clothes. Lucinda tried to recall his name. She knew she had seen him before. With the others but they came as one mass. They were the princes. She didn’t try to pick them apart. Then she tried to recall what it was that was different about him. He was slim, slight. Probably the smallest of the princes. But it wasn’t that. It was something that she couldn’t quite place. A delicacy perhaps. It was hard to see him rescuing or duelling or any of those things the princes learned about. Lucinda realised that she quite liked that about him. That and the fact he looked more frightened of her than she felt of him.

“What are you doing in there?” She asked with as much authority as she could muster. There was a pause and Lucinda thought the prince might cry. That wasn’t allowed. Boys don’t cry. She was ready to put her arms around him though, if she should need to. But instead, he spoke. The same thing that Lucinda couldn’t quite grasp about his body was wrong with his voice. It was smooth and had none of the depth that the other princes aimed for. It was soft like silk. Lucinda felt it rub over her skin.

“I picked up my sister’s bag by mistake. I was just leaving it for her.” That sounded fair. Lucinda wished she had a brother that would be so helpful but they were all hateful.

“You probably should go.” He nodded his head. After all, the princes were not allowed in here and perhaps, he knew that the towers were for punishment as well. She couldn’t imagine that he found being a prince very straightforward.

As she watched him leave – his steps were small and dainty – she thought he moved more like one of them. More like a girl. She felt sorry for him. He was as out of place as she was. He turned just before he left. Smiled.

“My name is Sam.” He said. Samuel, thought Lucinda. She would not forget.

“Lucinda.” She hadn’t realised until that moment, how much she had hated her name. It was clunky and awkward. Well, it suited her; you had to agree with that.

Lucinda thought about Sam a lot. She called him the prince of the cupboard. In her head, anyway. For once, that lunchtime, she sat with the others while they giggled over their possible future husbands. Some of them had been promised to princes already. Providing they got the right grades at princessing, of course. Quietly, she asked if any of them knew anything about Sam. They seemed surprised to see her and hear her but they soon recovered.

“Trust you,” said Marianna, “To notice a fellow freak.” Lucinda realised that it was true. That was what was so similar about them. They were all wrong for the role. The others all laughed and she moved back to her lone seat. The prince of the cupboard was wrong in all the ways that made him right for her.

Weeks passed and Lucinda made an effort to make it into school early but she never saw the prince of the cupboard in their room again. It disappointed her every time. She began to think that she would never be able to speak to him again. Not that it would matter anyway. Not when she was going to fail her princessing exams. What happened then? No one wanted to say but she felt the presence of the tower whenever they spoke about it. A lot of good it would do her. Sam didn’t look like the rescuing type. She pictured herself looking out of that one window. That small square her only view.

It was soon to be the end of term ball. Lucinda always hated it. They didn’t pick her to dance. Or if they did, they didn’t do so again after she had trodden on them or elbowed them of in some way or other injured them. These days her reputation went before her so she stood on the sidelines and watched them glide effortlessly around the dance floor. She wished she had the grace to do so herself. It was a strange feeling, to want something she so thoroughly hated but it would be easier, fitting in. Easier than standing watching everyone else enjoying their life. Okay so they were thoughtless but maybe that was better.

This time she tried really hard to stay clean and tidy by sitting in one place before they had to leave and even her mother was impressed that she hadn’t managed to mess up her hair. She was wearing her best dress. (The most expensive one not the one she liked the best. She liked none of them but trousers were not allowed.) She wanted Sam to think she was beautiful. She assumed that he would like this perfect version. It was what all the princes wanted. That was the whole point.

So she giggled not sniggered. She wiggled not stomped. She hid her face behind her hand. She was that shy, sweet girl. A couple of the princesses asked if she was feeling okay. She said she was although it was a lie. She had never felt worse. She was pretending to be what they wanted her to be. What he wanted her to be. Not even that. What she thought he wanted her to be. It was difficult but he was the prize. It had to be worth it.

It was the opinion of the princes that the ball was really for the girls. They had to be there and they had to dance but it was not their thing. Jousting and archery and sports that was their thing. But they had to be impressive and to be impressive, you had to be there. So mostly, they came and stood and watched and decided who was the prettiest. They fought to be the one who danced with the prettiest. They looked at Lucinda and sniggered at the way she giggled, at the way she wiggled. She might be trying but she lacked grace. She lacked feminine charm. She was still a little scary. The princes were taught what the princesses would do and that was fine. None of them was really bright enough to work out someone who did not follow the pattern.

Sam watched her carefully. He patted down his own clothes. They would probably suit Lucinda as well. Maybe he should share with her the secret of his success. He supposed it was probably too late. Watching her, trying so hard, it was heart breaking and Sam knew his heart was already soft with feeling for her. He wasn’t sure what he should do.

She was more like him than she realised. He had to find some way of letting her know that. He thought he’d seen recognition in her eyes, that day she had caught him changing his clothes but she had easily bought the lie he told so maybe she was clueless. Maybe she thought him just like all the rest, hence the terrible trying to fit the role

He couldn’t remember the first time now. Just that it was a long time ago. Long enough that he had abandoned all thoughts of femininity. Even in his own head. Every time though, he felt that small thrill of it being right and proper even though everyone else thought it wrong. He had to be at school early to ensure no one saw him arrive, stay late so he could change again before home. Now, at home, in girl clothes, that was when it was odd and opposite.

“May I have this dance?” Sam looked up and there was Lucinda. His heart pounded unsteadily. She must have grown bored with waiting. Sam had decided that there would be no dancing for him tonight. He was too small and too nervous and he feared whoever he chose would just laugh. He grinned at the way everyone was staring. He hadn’t been concentrating or he would have seen the entire hall come to a stop.

“Of course.” He said, taking her hand. She let her hand sit on Sam’s waist, gently ran her hand over the hip. She noted the curve and nodded.

“You’re just like me.” She said. “Just like me.” She emphasized each word and Sam was glad she had figured it out.

“Do you think we’ll be able to live happily ever after?” She asked. Nobody else seemed to have figured it out and as far as she could tell, no one else wanted either of them. Her own mother would be pleased just to see her married.

“Oh, I think so.” Sam said grinning. They were floating across the dance floor now and much to everyone’s amazement, they moved well. They fitted together. Lucinda grinned as well. She was thinking about the lack of towers in the future and how it pleased her immensely.

Eclectic Reader Challenge – LGBT – The City and The Pillar by Gore Vidal

photo-1This book has been on my to read list for a long time, I’ve been meaning to read it for far too long. I’m not sure why it kept getting passed over, I always knew that I would enjoy it. So, I decided to read it as part of the Eclectic Reading Challenge to ensure that this was the year I actually read it.

Straightaway I was drawn in. The opening description of Jim, clearly devastated, in a bar getting drunker, detached from all around him was masterful and intriguing. I wanted to know what had brought him to such a low point. Although it was immediately clear that it related to his school friend, Bob, I had no idea exactly how devastating the ending was going to be.

I can see how this novel would have been so shocking at the time. While it is not explicit, it is unflinching in its description of the life of a gay man in the 1940s. It tells of Hollywood affairs, of the secrecy and sham marriages, of the underground bars, a complete other world. From a modern perspective, it’s effect was twofold. In some ways, it seems like this story should be centuries old, such a lot of things have changed. At the same time, some things haven’t. The question of whether or not a celebrity should come out or not would not be such a loaded one if we truly had left all those old opinions behind.

In the preface to this novel, Gore says that he felt that he was at a crossroads just before he decided to published this book. He’d already published two novels and had a certain amount of acclaim. He knew that once he published The City and the Pillar, this would change. In one direction, a glorious future, Gore describes it as the ‘holy Delphi’. Instead he chose to publish and ‘end up accursed in Thebes’. One can only imagine the level of bravery and honesty that this must have taken.

This is one of the best books I have read in a long time. I was genuinely upset at the end, not only because the ending was so awful but because it was finished and I was not still reading it. An absolute classic.